The Colbert Report/Episode/505
Production Info |- |} |- |} The Check-In * Dr. Colbert shushes His Jewish Friend, whose volume may wake up Stephen's baby ** The Report is his baby and was birthed through the hips of his brain Intro Obama's Kidnapping * Dr. Colbert plans a question for his guest, french tightrope walker * Dr. Colbert is shocked (SHOCKED) by a tape he discovered in the tubes * Obama has been kidnapped by Muslim extremists (calling themselves "Al-Arabiya") ** squiggly lines at the bottom of the screen ** daffodils are fresh * they made him say many un-American things * maybe he is blinking pro-American slogans in code ** Jimmy will send the tape to Navajos for interpretation Cheating Death! * cold and flu season ** Robitussen may also be used to treat a cough! * Prescott: You're not just a patient, you're patient zero Lung Health ** study by Harvard, Brigam Young Univ. *** not smoking adds 5 months to one's life ** top cities: Pittsburgh & Buffalo * no particles will increase life indefinitely * Prescott: LifeBag ** place over your head and cinch tightly *** nitrogen and oxygen molecules ** armpit homunculus ** Verizon guy syndrome Weight Loss ** scientists in Louisiana ** AD36 * Prescott: Cosmo-Drine ** shames viruses * Side Effects: ** siamese nipples ** hairswelling ** involuntary blowhole Corporate Health ** legally like people, can get sick * doctors will no longer get pharmaceutical swag * merged R& D/marketing * Prescott: Vaxalax suppository pen * Side Effects ** pucker lung ** bone sporting ** yellowstone national bladder * Prescott: "That's why you have 2 kidneys!™" Caroline Kennedy Shocker! * Kirsten Gillibrand (nee Kirsten Elizabeth Rutnik Gillibrand) ** Hillary Clinton's replacement ** youngest current Senator * a Gillibrand is a unit of measurement to commemorate her youngness (Dec 9, 1966) * Robert Byrd is 155 Gillibrands * mysterious withdrawal of Caroline Kennedy * Bill O'Reilly, Colbert Report Caroline Kennedy Correspondent, from last Thursday ** it's huge * affair with New York Times' publisher Arthur Sulzburger * he doesn't report rumor; he simply doesn't do that * he cannot verify any relationship Kennedy has ever had ** he cannot verify anything * it's been one huge mess since Obama has taken office ** and it will get bigger Interview * Philippe Petit ** book (with Beth Moore): "Man on Wire" ** and a movie * famous for crossing between tall buildings on a small rope ** call Stephen when he does it on a loose rope * Dr. Colbert wishes him good luck to begin * he has to rearrange the table when he goes to restaurants * he is an artist on the wire ** doesn't do somersaults ** makes people believe they can do it too * pulled off perhaps the most awesome feat ** not perhaps * he walked between the Twin Towers in 1974 for the chicks * Why try? ** he has no choice * he has come from another planet * three oranges will be on his tombstone ** he will not die and will not need a tombstone * Muhammad Ali told him he has balls * if Stephen has to explain what balls are, but then you wouldn't understand * he doesn't understand Stephen, but he loves the sound of his voice Epilogue * Obama has been kidnapped by a group of Muslim terrorists calling themselves Al-Arabyia ** this casts doubt on everything he has done so far *** closing Gitmo *** ending torture * Omar wants to know what that means for himself ** comes to see the show after living under the C-Desk for three years ** he insists that audiences miss what Stephen does with his ankles * Stephen's three wishes are: ** talking hot dog ** talking pizza * Omar says he's not a genie ** even though Stephen set him free ** Omar is grateful, not magical * Stephen wishes Omar had never left him * the Lesson: if you love something set it free from the secret prison under your desk * Omar will always be locked up indefinitely in Stephen's heart Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Official Truthy Videos * Colbert Nation Home Tube External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments